Empathy and Understanding: Reflections on living, working, and speaking with middle and upper school children (ages 11-14)

I’ve been enjoying my meetings with parents of 8^th graders this fall and the opportunity to reflect on all of the goodness we see in their children’s past progress, current efforts, and future promise.  The following reflections about middle and upper school children were compiled by experienced colleagues to offer parents their perspectives and understanding about children and this developmental stage.  All are meant to offer insights to consider, to encourage parents to seek guidance and support in raising their children, and to promote empathy during these years of individuation, brain development, and change.

I have a fondness and regard for children of all ages, and I celebrate the special qualities of personhood, performance, and promise that every child expresses during the transition from pre-teen to early adolescent.  And, it is with gratitude that I recognize each of our talented and dedicated Middle and Upper School teachers.  They are especially fun years!

Middle and upper school children need to move and change activities often. Idleness is a recipe for disaster.

Middle and upper school children have just begun to learn social awareness and sensitivity. They absolutely need our guidance. Don’t assume they know how to manage the complexities of being 11-14 years old.

Middle and upper school children are “unfairness” experts.  The injustice doesn’t need to be directly related to their lives for them to argue about it.

Middle and upper school children are both funny and very forgiving. Laughter is the best medicine for middle and upper school kids. Help them laugh at themselves.

Middle and upper school children are apt to think only in the moment and not plan for the future.

When a middle and upper school student says, “This is stupid!” he or she actually means, “I don’t understand, will you help me?”

Middle and upper school children can hold it all together during the school day, and be absolutely miserable at home.   Most often they take their frustration out on their parents. We’ll let you know if they are acting up at school.

Middle and upper school children have trouble locating their own items in a “Lost and Found” bin and are at times astonished that their name appears in a sweatshirt, jacket or book.

A week in middle and upper school is equivalent to a year and a half in grown-up years.  It’s very difficult for them to remember details about things that happened a week ago. Their memory is even worse when they’ve done something embarrassing.

The threat of jeopardizing a friendship overpowers all decision-making processes.  Most middle and upper school students will protect their friendship in all situations even if they know that what their friends are doing is morally and ethically wrong.

Middle and upper school children have blinders on. They don’t see peripherally well at all.  When they pass you in the hall and don’t say hello, they may not have even seen you.

“Act First, Think Later”: In the moment, middle and upper school students are often quite blind to how their actions affect others.  But they are almost always sorry afterward.

Middle and upper school students need to be thanked for even the most ordinary tasks. They need and thrive on the recognition.

They want independence, but clarity about what they can and cannot do.  They feel safest when adults give them clear boundaries, yet will complain about the boundaries endlessly.  (They don’t actually want us to give in.)  They want to be simultaneously treated like adults, but without the consequences of that responsibility.  They need us to listen to them and to explain to them why we made the decision we made.  (They don’t necessarily need us to change our minds based on their argument.)

According to the typical middle and upper school child, they don’t have any friends and everyone else is popular.

Middle and upper school children will ignore their parents in public. Don’t take it too personally.  If you can get a hug, take it. You’ll get them again, but there may be a few years of interruption.

Middle and upper school children will be different people in June than they were in September.

Physical growth in middle and upper school is inevitable.  Middle and upper school students feel self-conscious when they do grow and when they don’t.

All children make mistakes.  Middle and upper school children make 10 times as many as the normal child.   Be by their side, but please let them fall down.  Even the most perfect child makes mistakes. Making mistakes doesn’t make them bad kids.

Your kids are watching everything you do.  How you react to school situations and your home life will be reflected in how they react.

It’s harder to be a middle and upper school child than anything else. Commiserate and reassure them that this too shall pass.  Take the time to honestly remember yourself at this age (even the times you’ve worked hard to forget) — and it’s gotten harder since then.