These reflections about middle and upper school children were compiled by former colleagues of mine to help parents with understanding children and this developmental stage.  All are meant to inform parents about childhood and to encourage them to seek guidance and support in raising their children.

Children ages 11-14  need to move and change activities often. Idleness is a recipe for disaster.

They have just begun to learn social awareness and sensitivity. They absolutely need our guidance. Don’t assume they know how to manage the complexities of being 11-14 years old.

They are “unfairness” experts.  The injustice doesn’t need to be directly related to their lives for them to argue about it.

They often are apt to operate under “I shock therefore I am.”

They are both funny and very forgiving. Laughter is the best medicine for Middle and Upper school kids. Help them laugh at themselves.

They are apt to think only in the moment and not plan for the future.

They will claim that they don’t have any homework; they JUST have to read chapter 6 or study for a test.

When a teacher reprimands them for talking in class, they will often respond, “I wasn’t talking, I was just telling (insert name here) about….”

When they say, “This is stupid!” he or she actually means, “I don’t understand, will you help me?”

They can hold it all together during the school day, and be absolutely miserable at home.   Most often they take their frustration out on their parents. We’ll let you know if they are acting up at school.

They can have trouble locating their own items in a “Lost and Found” bin and are at times astonished that their name appears in a sweatshirt, jacket or book.

A week for them is equivalent to a year and a half in grown up years.  It’s very difficult for them to remember details about things that happened a week ago. Their memory is even worse when they’ve done something embarrassing.

After literally months of reminders to show work on math problems, these students will often say, “Oh, did you want me to show the work?”

The threat of jeopardizing a friendship overpowers all decision-making processes.  Most  students at these ages will protect their friendship in all situations even if they know that what their friends are doing is morally and ethically wrong.

They have blinders on. They don’t see peripherally well at all.  When they pass you in the hall and don’t say hello, they may not have even seen you.

“Act First, Think Later”: In the moment, these students are often quite blind to how their actions affect others.  But they are almost always sorry afterwards.

They need to be reminded to say “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me.” They know why they need to say these words, but in the moment their brains are swirling with too much complexity to formulate sentences.  They like the reminders.

It is important to thank them for even the most ordinary tasks. They need and thrive on the recognition.

They want independence, but clarity about what they can and can’t do.  They feel safest when adults give them clear boundaries, yet will complain about the boundaries endlessly.  (They don’t actually want us to give in.)  They want to be simultaneously treated like adults, but without the consequences of that responsibility.  They need us to listen to them and to explain to them why we made the decision we made.  (They don’t necessarily need us to change our minds based on their argument.)

They can be incredibly mature thinkers and responsible kids, yet incredibly self-absorbed at the same time.

According to the typical child at these ages, they don’t have any friends and everyone else is popular.

They will ignore their parents in public. Don’t take it too personally.  If you can get a hug, take it. You’ll get them again, but there may be a few years of interruption.

Homework is homework and due when it’s due, even if you forget to write it down.  (They will argue against this concept.)  For them, getting organized takes more time than homework.

They will be different people in June than they were in September.

Physical growth in Middle and Upper school is inevitable.  These students feel self-conscious when they do grow and when they don’t.

They are eager to be more independent, especially when it comes to decision-making. The more they’re given opportunities to make “safe” decisions now, the easier it will be for them when they have to make “tougher” decisions down the road.

According to the typical  child at these ages, everyone else has less homework, fewer household duties, and more free time than they do.

All children make mistakes. These children make 10 times as many as the normal child.   Be by their side, but please let them fall down.  Even the most perfect child makes mistakes. Making mistakes doesn’t make them bad kids.

Your kids are watching every thing you do.  How you react to school situations and your home life will be reflected in how they react.

It’s harder to be a  child during these years than anything else. Commiserate and reassure them that this too shall pass.  Take the time to honestly remember yourself at this age (even the times you’ve worked hard to forget) — and it’s gotten harder since then.